Saturday, February 27, 2010

OPERATION: Creative Freedom (Brain Wars part I)

This blog is solely for my girl Jess, whom for whatever reason likes to read the flighty uncohesional (yes I just made that up) nonsense that I refer to as "blogging". (and yes I know I used a grammatically incorrect placement of quotation marks, I do not care. I love them and will use them 50 more times in ill context before this blog is finished along with the all knowing parenthesis!)

I have been out of commission in the bloggy filled world for a while now, in a period I will refer to as my "Marinading(ok,...full blown crock-potting)of thoughts" phase. This is a phase where I feel absolutely no creative fluency what so ever. FEEL being the definitive key word because really, I think about writing all the time. I think about sharing thoughts in written form on the daily. I think about thinking about blogging and sharing all my funny stories with the earth. And in my mind's eye I am a total zen blogger like my best pals, who can so eloquently (and quite frequently) make blogging their bitch. But for me, when the time comes to put the pen to paper, I'm out,...why? I merely do not FEEL like transposing all my fruity complex erring on the edge of sane thoughts into one lucid plane of thought that is 1) readable, 2) cognizable and most importantly 3) entertaining, and even if I did feel like it the finished product never seems to meet the latter requirements that my brain deems "fit" and I bail.

So, that now brings me to the looming question, why the creative cop-out? This is where it gets hard, because to answer this question would require me to delve deep into my dark inner psyche (FYI, my inner psyche is a free-loving bohemian ninja assassin chef that will sneak into your house, cook you dinner, steal your heart, share your bed, free your mind and then totally slay your ass in the name of hearts and butterflies faster than you could say "Seacrest, out!").

Yes,.... I know,....scary....

So, upon careful self reflection I have realized that my complacency in the creative world is directly connected to my contentedness in the real world, and vice versa.

(Strange DeAnna fact: When I am happy,..I am lazy, uninspired and pretty much lost for creative musings)

My history of writing/creating anything I feel is substantial, meaningful or rewarding (this is an issue bigger than just blogs, ex; songs, poetry, short stories, drawing) has all been at a time in my life that I have been absolutely miserable with my place in the real world, thus forcing me to escape to the world of creation where all is unconditional and of my own accord. The pain, anger, sadness, frustration, etc., is really the true fuel behind any creative drive within me. Any other time, my thoughts are just a big, hot, thick, sticky, less than satisfying, mushy bowl of oatmeal!!! I mean, I want to eat it, but don't like the overall taste (I think it needs more sugar, but I'm not quite sure) so I wind up poking and prodding at it more than eating it. Eventually the hunger wears off, because I have taken up too much time overthinking the oatmeal and by that time its cold and stale. (Does anyone out there get this food analogy thing I got going here? maybe? yes? NO,...hmmm, ok moving on!)

Anyway, I have figured out the cause of my problem, but have yet to acquire a solution for it. Obviously its a good thing to be happy and content, but at the same time a bad thing to lose all creative inspiration and poignancy as a result. So, in an attempt to "re-wire" the right side of my brain, I am going to try to write (consistently, randomly, and without purpose) on a weekly basis. Hopefully, my mental stagnancy will rejuvenate over time, the more I can resist the urge to just not FEEL like sharing all the awesomeness my brain has to offer the world.

Its going to be hard and miserably pointless at times with my writing (fair warning), but I need to learn that is "OK" in order to overcome this slump. See, its like a war between my left and right brain. The left side easily thinks of the ideas it wants to express (and could do so in the spoken form for hours), however in the literary form it needs the right side to put them in an order that feels asthetically pleasing to the brain, and all seems well until the transmission between the two sides gets miscommunicated and they ultimately are at odds with one another, producing nothing more than insane creators block. (Sorry, yet another whack job analogy, lol)

My proposed solution?

Write. Plain and simple, just write.

(Fingers crossed my inner psyche doesn't ninja-slay my best laid plans, here goes....)