When in doubt, Google out.

Friends, Family, all dear loved ones of mine,

I have a disturbing confession to make.

I regretfully and ashamedly admit; I am a Googler.

I google in the morning before getting ready, on my phone while driving to work, on work breaks (in between work breaks, shhh!), in the bank line, on my phone while driving home, in the grocery store, during television commercial breaks, in the bathroom, while cooking, and even while lying in bed at night. Pretty much any and every free second I get is spent Googling. It was not until a recent visit to the library, while staring in disbelief at the large Reference section, thinking "Wow! They still use these things?" that I realized how ferocious an addiction I actually had to Google (or as I like to refer to it as), The Engine of Truth and Knowledge. There were early warning signs,..like the constant need to have Google as my home page (home, office, phone), A vile unnatural hatred for all things "Bing", and lastly the adoption of my "When in doubt, Google out" motto (seriously, If I do not know the answer to something I would much rather consult Goggle than my own mother any day of the week). But it was only there, in that moment at the library face to face with the leather bound relics of days long ago, did the insidiousness of the beast and its true affects on me become so evident.

So, in an attempt to relay the severity of this addiction, I have complied a list of my most recent Google searches, so you can see for yourselves.

(Warning: what you are about to see are real google searches performed by me, some content may not be suitable for all ages; parental discretion is advised!)
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History of the Skirvin
Skirvin Hotel haunted?
Asberger's Syndrome
When does East Bound and Down come back on?
Oklahoma meteor crashes
Should I plant perennials or annals (notice the accidental misspelling of annuals, that returned awesome results. lol)
Why is my husband an asshole?
Planning a food themed road trip? (I was sooo hungry upon searching this)
San Antonio vacation
texas ghost towns
things of interest in south texas
cheap cruises
mexico kipnappings?
Is it safe to be blond and travel to Mexico?
What year did Scrappy Doo join Scooby Doo show?
online gaming no downloads
Why is Oklahoma Farm Bureau ass fucking me? (Yes, I really searched this one upon finding out I was being dropped from my insurance for being too great of a "risk")
Cheap homeowners insurance oklahoma
Polaroid ghost writer
andrew garcia video clips
free erotic stories
What year was Pulp Fiction filmed?
why does my husband spend so much money?
Is it ok to hide money from my husband?
Money Market accounts vs. Cash Deposit accounts?
gifted children with learning disorders
children and anxiety
Does Zach Effron have a brother? (This is vital information that must be had immediately!!)
who is Kari Ann Peniche and why is she such a bitch?
How do I get my husband to talk dirty in bed
american idol dropped contestant
premature gray hair
cosmo's sex position of the day
bankruptcy laws oklahoma
carne asada tacos
sugar free recipes
Ed Hardy Hearts and Daggers cologne
what happened to Ryan from paranormal state?
why is my son so defiant? (I love these ones, its like Google is the all knowing Web Yoda. lol)
heidi fleiss car accident
tom sizemore and heidi fleiss scandal
Lady Gaga man pics
why is my husband an asshole? (notice this reoccurring query; still waiting for definitive answers; even Google says "I just don't know, girl!")
oklahoma concerts
hard rock hotel tulsa
zoo amp okc
Can I wear pink with red?
Cop Out banned movie trailer
Shutter Island reviews
Who is Sailor Jerry?
Vintage Tattoos
Butterfly Tattoos
Golden Corral coupons (Yes,..was hoping my good buddy Google (Goog for short) could score me a freebie dinner!)
Couples retreats oklahoma
marriage seminars
Justin Timberlake SNL skits
dyi wall textures (Goog gives such great advice on this subject matter)
24 hour gyms oklahoma
Why does my boob hurt?
Managerial Styles
Employee Satisfaction Survey Examples (can you say copyright infringement?)
lost TCP/IP fixes
how to reboot winsock catalogues(this is for my boss who thinks I invented the computer,...hahaha!)
Why is my husband a total dick face? (Wanted to mix it up a bit, Goog likes it when I'm unpredictable like that!)
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All this in a matter of days, AND I'm condensing here folks!!! There are far worse queries, that I would happily choose death over admitting them, for fear of irrevocable damage being done to my brainiac reputation (Strange DeAnna Fact: I am nowhere near as smart as I appear, especially at work). They really think I know everything, when in fact I'm secretly googling all the answers (shhh,...they would be crushed)!

I really need help before things get much worse (I must see what Goog thinks about all this!).

OPERATION: Creative Freedom (Brain Wars part I)

This blog is solely for my girl Jess, whom for whatever reason likes to read the flighty uncohesional (yes I just made that up) nonsense that I refer to as "blogging". (and yes I know I used a grammatically incorrect placement of quotation marks, I do not care. I love them and will use them 50 more times in ill context before this blog is finished along with the all knowing parenthesis!)

I have been out of commission in the bloggy filled world for a while now, in a period I will refer to as my "Marinading(ok,...full blown crock-potting)of thoughts" phase. This is a phase where I feel absolutely no creative fluency what so ever. FEEL being the definitive key word because really, I think about writing all the time. I think about sharing thoughts in written form on the daily. I think about thinking about blogging and sharing all my funny stories with the earth. And in my mind's eye I am a total zen blogger like my best pals, who can so eloquently (and quite frequently) make blogging their bitch. But for me, when the time comes to put the pen to paper, I'm out,...why? I merely do not FEEL like transposing all my fruity complex erring on the edge of sane thoughts into one lucid plane of thought that is 1) readable, 2) cognizable and most importantly 3) entertaining, and even if I did feel like it the finished product never seems to meet the latter requirements that my brain deems "fit" and I bail.

So, that now brings me to the looming question, why the creative cop-out? This is where it gets hard, because to answer this question would require me to delve deep into my dark inner psyche (FYI, my inner psyche is a free-loving bohemian ninja assassin chef that will sneak into your house, cook you dinner, steal your heart, share your bed, free your mind and then totally slay your ass in the name of hearts and butterflies faster than you could say "Seacrest, out!").

Yes,.... I know,....scary....

So, upon careful self reflection I have realized that my complacency in the creative world is directly connected to my contentedness in the real world, and vice versa.

(Strange DeAnna fact: When I am happy,..I am lazy, uninspired and pretty much lost for creative musings)

My history of writing/creating anything I feel is substantial, meaningful or rewarding (this is an issue bigger than just blogs, ex; songs, poetry, short stories, drawing) has all been at a time in my life that I have been absolutely miserable with my place in the real world, thus forcing me to escape to the world of creation where all is unconditional and of my own accord. The pain, anger, sadness, frustration, etc., is really the true fuel behind any creative drive within me. Any other time, my thoughts are just a big, hot, thick, sticky, less than satisfying, mushy bowl of oatmeal!!! I mean, I want to eat it, but don't like the overall taste (I think it needs more sugar, but I'm not quite sure) so I wind up poking and prodding at it more than eating it. Eventually the hunger wears off, because I have taken up too much time overthinking the oatmeal and by that time its cold and stale. (Does anyone out there get this food analogy thing I got going here? maybe? yes? NO,...hmmm, ok moving on!)

Anyway, I have figured out the cause of my problem, but have yet to acquire a solution for it. Obviously its a good thing to be happy and content, but at the same time a bad thing to lose all creative inspiration and poignancy as a result. So, in an attempt to "re-wire" the right side of my brain, I am going to try to write (consistently, randomly, and without purpose) on a weekly basis. Hopefully, my mental stagnancy will rejuvenate over time, the more I can resist the urge to just not FEEL like sharing all the awesomeness my brain has to offer the world.

Its going to be hard and miserably pointless at times with my writing (fair warning), but I need to learn that is "OK" in order to overcome this slump. See, its like a war between my left and right brain. The left side easily thinks of the ideas it wants to express (and could do so in the spoken form for hours), however in the literary form it needs the right side to put them in an order that feels asthetically pleasing to the brain, and all seems well until the transmission between the two sides gets miscommunicated and they ultimately are at odds with one another, producing nothing more than insane creators block. (Sorry, yet another whack job analogy, lol)

My proposed solution?

Write. Plain and simple, just write.

(Fingers crossed my inner psyche doesn't ninja-slay my best laid plans, here goes....)